In Reaction

I just read through my "I don't have an engaging title" entry.

Written years ago in reaction to the realization I had to take a necessary step in my relationship.

Written with a slim recogintion that it'd be for public consumption, unlike the times I had written about it before - safely tucked away in my personal journals.

This past year has been a rolelrcoaster as I've navigated a new life.

A life that is literally all mine for the first time in a very long time.

In the many moments of solitude, I recognized that my the trigger points of my healing were deeply rooted in my maternal and familal relatuionships.

Unsurprising, until I rememver that I am a "survivor"

A title I don't believe I've ever used or desired to dewscribe myself, but is a genuine societal recoginition of the sexual abuse I experienced in my life.

Many, many months and moments in college the dark shadows of it tortured me.

Yet, now at 25, and for a long while, my mind does not call that in.

Unlike the ways in which I genuinely can't remember certain memories, this is different.

I can remember.

These are not experiences I've blocked out ..

They were dealt with head on and put on my soul's shelf.

During the time I wrote that, I was also attending therapy sessions working through my life's journey and the blockages that arose.

I was co-creating a healthy, loving, respectful relationship with a man I deeply admired and trusted. I was being called into a new life chapter .. one that required something different from me.

So for the first time, seemingly because of my partner but in reality out of necessity to shed light on the shadows that danced within - I wrote it out.

Each molestation was given its space.

The rape was acknowleged.

My initial and eventual reactions, were analyzed with grace, patience and understanding for the young girl and woman that experienced it all.

Young Ravy did the shadow work.

Young Ravy chose to acknolwedge these dark dancers and the ways in whcih they fortified the woman she became.

Young Ravy said no more.

And now, over four years later, Raven Carmella Waters is in awe.

Raven - you are remarkable.

I have tears in my eyes as I process all that I've written.

All that I've lived through.

The joy that bounces in my heart at the knowing - we've always used conversations with self to continue moving forward.

We have not stopped.

We will not stop.

I have big, beautiful dreams.

Young Ravy kept them protected.

I am keeping them alive.

Together, we truly are a wonderours force - deeply connected within our soulo moments of solitude.

I love you. I thank you. I admire you.

You, My Love, have foreever been exactly where you needed to be and keenly looking out for the lesson to take away.

You've made me excited to return here. My first entry in two years.

This is not for public consumption.

This is for the Gods within me to connect with the Gods within you.

Together, they will call us home.